Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
That stupid look on my face, is my face
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Home is where your toilet is.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
❤️❤️❤️
sigh
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.