what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You Might Also Like
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.