[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
You Might Also Like
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once