[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Google Pay be like:
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
how was your vacation
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
the official breakfast of 2021