Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat