[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die