Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.