Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Don’t talk down to me
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”