My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Ken is short for chicken
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind