Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
How to make infinite energy.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
how long have you had this for?