I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time