My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
You Might Also Like
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
A leaf blower, but for people.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure