KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –