Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Sharon, call the vet
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume