customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago