Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.