Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
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Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Goodnight 🐶
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.