Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*limbos under the caution tape
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Bike is short for Bichael.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.