A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
He took my last fry, your honor
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.