What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.