The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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They did not miss in the small print
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.