You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
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[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.