My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.