“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?