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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I know this now 😂
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Muppet Screams