coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Lmao
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?