{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
You Might Also Like
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Poetry is my passion
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move