You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.