My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.