Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
BRO LMFAO
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Best mom ever 😂
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
is this how new cars are made??
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.