What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You Might Also Like
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
We decided to have money instead of children.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.