Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.