Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You Might Also Like
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”