Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
crying
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
You make a compelling argument, Morty.