Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on