[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
this came to me in a vision
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?