A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews