I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates