Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me checking my bank balance online.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time