Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.