I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.