Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Support your local cemetery
decorating my apartment
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish