Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
uncle dave has been through hell
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
wow he looks just like him
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?