If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
nyc:
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
🤣😂
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Liquor Store Parking
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.