10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?