My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?