You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
You Might Also Like
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
the dark web is just a goth google.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.