the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.