If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.