Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.